Recruitment complete
by Janvierecouter
Summary: The Universe Survival Arc is coming, and Goku is tasked with recruiting the 10 best fighters in the Universe to compete with him. How will he go about it? What's the criteria? And why 17? Oneshot gagfic.


A whishing sound was heard outside his house and the grass on his lawn rustled as the person teleporting in landed gently.

He put down the knife and looked up at him in disdain, meeting his unexpected guest's cheerful grin.

"Hey, best buddy!" Goku waved at him cheerfully.

17 cocked an eyebrow at him and put his wooden sculpture down next to his chair.

"This is literally the first time we met face-to-face, Goku", he answered coldly.

Goku lifted a finger to answer then closed his mouth and furrowed his eyebrows, as if pondering the situation. He WAS right, huh?

"Where did you get this address?"

"Oh, there's plenty of traitors that'll tell me that!"

 _Traitors?_

"What do you want from me?"

"I came to ask ya a favor!" Goku continued, still grinning excitedly.

17 felt nervous all of a sudden. Something was definitely off with Goku, he could tell. Sure, he never actually met him, but he had the distinct feeling that there was something malicious behind that statement. Something he'd come to regret. But he was curious to know.

"And that is...?"

"I need you to fight with me..."

"Sure" 17's eyes lit up and he smiled

"...in an intergalactic tournament that the King of the Omniverse is going to host tomorrow in a distant dimension in order to save the world!". He said all of that in one breath. Impressive.

"No."

"Oh come on, best buddy! I know I can always rely on ya at times like these!"

"Literally just met you."

"It's for the sake of the Universe!"

"Don't care"

"If you don't, the world will be destroyed"

"Dragon balls"

"For good this time!"

17 frowned at this and started thinking it over. Was he serious?

"And how did this happen?"

"Oh yea I just sorta told Zen-oh to do it since it sounded fun." Goku answered sheepishly, twiddling his fingers.

Ice blue eyes met wide innocent ones.

"Alright I'm out" 17 said as he got up and left towards the cabin.

"You sure? They give out free candy to all the participants!" Goku tried to persuade him

"I really don't care about candy"

"Free money?"

"Got all I need from my job" he pointed at his 'ranger' armband.

"Free training?"

"Do I look like Vegeta to you?"

"Sometimes"

17 felt at a loss for this. Was Goku always this dumb?

"Free...uh…" Goku started, running through a mental checklist.

"Still no"

"No as in, you will not refuse to help out your friends and family?" Goku tried, making a spirited gesture.

17 turned around to look at him straight in the eyes.

"You people literally didn't care about my existence for the past…12 years?" He paused at this, his eyes going wide. 12 years? It's been 12 years? Even 18 just happened to bump into him a few days ago, otherwise, no phone calls, no letters, no nothing. _Jesus._ "And now you come up to me acting like you haven't seen me since yesterday and ask me to be your meat shield? No, thanks, we're not friends and never will be."

"But 16!" Goku started whining.

"I'm 17, Goku" he answered in annoyance.

"Same difference. Still numbers." Goku stated, not realizing he was being offensive to both his dialogue partner and the memory of his departed friend.

17 gave him the meanest stare he could. He picked up his shotgun off the ground and aimed it at Goku's face.

"Get off my property."

Goku pouted like a small child and looked at him pleadingly.

"So, you DOUBLE sure about this?" Goku insisted

"Goku, if I had 1 wish, it'd be to watch you get your ass handed to you in a fight by the lowliest scum of the multiverse. Just for that, I'm willing to go anywhere to see it" 17 answered, trying to hammer in the point.

Goku beamed at him all of a sudden. 17 felt nervous at his sudden change in demeanor.

Goku grabbed the gun and threw it into the air. It never came back down.

17 felt himself being hoisted off the ground and thrown on Goku's shoulder like a gunny sack as the saiyan started walking away, whistling.

He felt like he was an animal in a bear trap, struggling to release himself from a deadly grip that wouldn't budge. All the screaming and kicking did nothing to deter his captor.

"I knew I could count on ya, best buddy!" Goku said in a far too loud tone of voice and before he could reply to that, Goku took his fingers to his forehead and whisked him off to a galaxy far, far away.

* * *

"And this one makes 7!" Goku smiled at someone in front of him.

17 couldn't see who Goku was talking to, since he was turned with his back to him, but he could see the weirdly technicolor sky and ground were definitely not from Earth.

 _The asshole really did it._

He felt himself being forcefully dropped on his rear like extra baggage and he turned around to see the people in front of him, all staring back in bewilderment, sadness and fear.

"Thanks for coming, best buddy! Your help is greatly appreciated!" Goku smiled at him.

"What is wrong with you?" 17 answered, peeved.

"Goku, you literally say this to everyone" a familiar voice from his side answered for him.

He looked to see 18 sitting on the grass next to Piccolo, comforting a shocked Krillin in her arms. He seemed to be deeply traumatized for some reason, mumbling "why" and "I thought you cared about me" over and over into his wife's chest.

17 felt a small tinge of fear creep up down his spine. He looked around. They all seemed to be just as reluctant to be there as he was. Gohan was staring at him in embarrassment, probably trying to excuse his father's behavior, Piccolo was grating his teeth so hard they could crack and Vegeta was tied up with some pink goo wrapped around himself, trashing about and yelling like a wild beast.

"Let me go Kakarot!" he screamed.

"Come on, Vegeta! This is for the fate of the Universe!" Goku tried to get him to stop.

"I have more urgent matters to attend to!"

"But Geets, don't you want to fight the strongest in the Universes?"

"No!"

Goku's eyes went wide and he looked down at him in shock.

"What did you do to the real Vegeta?"

"Oh, screw you! My WIFE is waiting for me at home GIVING BIRTH to my second child and this is what you do?"

"Well she can wait like, 2 hours more. Not like she's going anywhere anytime soon." Goku insisted as Vegeta started cursing as loudly as he could. His voice was grating and his language was, to be fair, quite colorful.

The giant pink blob creature next to him took this moment to get up from his slumber and frowned at him.

"You quiet. Buu trying to sleep!" he said and when the saiyan didn't seem to listen to him, he grabbed a piece of his gum-like stomach and stuck it in his mouth like a gag.

Everyone around him seemed to be relieved and thankful for it.

17 scooted over to 18 and looked at her. 18 looked back, still cradling Krillin. This was an awkward reunion, to say the least.

"So, what just happened?" he asked her.

"I guess he got you too, huh?". She sounded like it was a manhunt and he'd just lost the game.

"You know him better than I do. Was he always like this or…?"

"Yes, he was."

17 grit his teeth a little and looked away.

"But lately he's been worse than before. I blame it on too many kicks to the head"

"And he wants to pawn off responsibility on us?"

"Pretty much. Krillin wasn't ready for this"

"I...can see that"

A purple cat-like creature he'd never seem before walked up to him and stared him up and down, scrunching his nose.

"This is your pick for the tournament?" he said to Goku.

"Ya-huh. He's pretty good. I think. I've never actually seen him fight. But Future Trunks had a loooot to say about him when we first met. Not very nice things, but you know that jokester, always bringing in the smiles. I'm sure this guy can handle it."

"He looks really scrawny. He should eat more."

"Well _excuse you_ , kitty. You don't look any better yourself." 17 retorted with a peeved tone.

The cat narrowed his eyes at him.

"Excuse him, it's his first time." he heard 18 defend him from the backline, and a snicker coming from the cat's side from a blue-skinned stranger.

"15, meet Beerus, God of Destruction and Waffles." Goku introduced him. Beerus rolled his eyes but didn't contradict him. Waffles were indeed delicious.

"17" the cyborg corrected him again.

"Beerus, Dolores." Goku continued, completely ignoring him.

"I hate you."

"We all do at this point" Piccolo chimed in, sighing deeply.

"Well, if you're certain about this, then it's your call, Goku. Remember, the fate of the world is at stake! And also my favorite restaurants." Beerus reminded him.

"Ah, I'm pretty sure I know what I'm doing!" Goku hand-waved his worries aside.

"No, you don't." the cat reminded him.

"Look, I still don't understand why I have to be here. I'm not even part of your gang" 17 tried to save himself from this misery.

"It's ok. You WILL be." Goku's voice sounded eerily threatening there for a moment. All that was missing were incessant children chanting "ONE OF US" in the background.

17's skin crawled and he turned to the cat thing next to Goku.

"I don't feel like I'm up for this. I haven't actually fought anyone since…" his eyes went wide at the realization.

"…Piccolo" he said quickly, hearing the green one laugh at him.

"You mean Cell" he bit back, not letting that one slide.

17 scrunched his face in disgust at the memory of that moment and how it ended. Was this really the fight he wanted to end his career on?

18 tapped him on his shoulder in a comforting manner.

"It's ok. Now you have the chance to embarrass yourself anew, just like the rest of us." She seemed oddly accepting of the situation.

"Wow, it has been a long time, huh. You must be rusty" Goku wondered.

"Nah, actually, I oil myself every day" 17 explained, pointing at his joints.

"That makes two of us" the blue skinned man smiled at him with a devious grin.

17 dragged himself a couple of paces back, putting more distance between themselves.

' _Get me out of here right now or so help me'_ his mind screamed.

"Well, back on the tracks" Goku insisted. "I really do need your help. We need a 10 man team"

"And you don't have 10 friends who are willing to fight for you?"

"M..no.."

Not a surprising answer.

"Take your son, maybe?"

"I tried, but Chi Chi won't let me put Goten into mortal danger anymore. Something about proper parenting"

"Vegeta's son?"

A loud groan came from the saiyan on the floor as he trashed harder.

"What about the chump brigade?"

"Oh, Yamcha's retired. He recommended Krillin to me tho."

The aforementioned re-balded man snapped out of his daze at this and started sobbing.

"My god…is this why you brought me here? Because Yamcha sold me out? Why would Yamcha do this? Wait, I see… Since he retired, I've become the weakest in the group! Now I'm the joke of everyone here! He was handing down the butt-monkey legacy to me!"

18 sighed and hugged him like a child.

"Don't let these guys get you down. You're the best fighter in this household...after me…maybe Marron too…" she started drifting away with her thoughts."…truth is, I don't trust you alone at home at a time like this."

His eyes widened at her, in a shocked expression.

"B-but I still love you!" she assured him at the last minute.

Krillin looked at the ground, defeated.

17 felt his heart shrink. He was NOT going to end up like that. Not now or ever! He used to be a proud fighter, just like Vegeta.

He heard another mumble as the cat thing kicked the aforementioned tied up saiyan prince to the side to make some room to sit down on the grass.

Alright, maybe he wasn't going to end up like Vegeta either.

He remembered the fight he had with Piccolo. That guy was still respected by his peers!

"Piccolo-san, can you babysit Pan next week too?" Gohan chimed in as if on cue with a pleading look.

Piccolo crossed his arms.

"Sure, but don't forget to leave me some clean diapers. I'm not using my turban this time" he demanded with a serious tone.

 _Alright screw this._

"Fine, Goku, I'll do it. But you have to promise you'll never look me up ever again"

"Till next time!" Goku beamed at him.

 _Damn it._

They shook hands and Goku placed his fingers to his forehead again.

"You're the best buddy I've ever had! Always eager to help when I need you! Nothing can match up to our friendship!"

"…"

"Alright, time to get best buddy number 8! Tenshinhan, here I come!" Goku smiled as he teleported away, leaving 17 to sit back down and sink his face in his hands as he felt a migraine overtake him.


End file.
